sleep

So I have been getting about 2 and a half hours of sleep at night lately sometimes more (which is an improvement).. and I am so tired. I wish I could sleep, but my brain is racing. I go to work, I come home and see the kids for ten minutes and then I teach class and try to do a project around the house.. right now it is the floor in the bathroom.. I ripped the carpet out and am going to have tile instead.  I hang with my friends, I watch TV, I eat, I breathe... things just dont feel right yet.. Is there a time limit as to how long you have to hurt when you loose someone?? I want my time to be up.. I am tired of feeling like less than myself.... ugh!!!

Jeep fixin day!!

My jeep is awesome! However, it has issues and needs a little TLC. I have taken it in to a mechanic 3 times already and they cant figure out what is wrong. So, I am taking it in to the dealership.. ugh! expencive!!  I am sure they will know common problems for the jeep and can figure it out a lot sooner.  I am praying that whatever it is will be easy to fix and not super expencive!!

On another note, I am having a good time these last few days. Hanging with good friends, meeting new friends and trying hard to focus on what matters most.  Smiling more, playing more and trying to find my real joys in life... a few live with me on the weekends...  love those babies!!

Ellens birthday is coming up soon. She will be ten and wants 10 of her closest girl friends to come over for a red carpet birthday party! She is so cute.. Love that sweet girl!!

Girls night .. and Kyle... lol!

So monday nights I teach Zumba at Golds gym... The girls from the bank try to come and boogie with me and this week was no different.  My boss caught wind of it and decided that he wanted to come too... lol.. he is fun.  So after we went to class we all went swimming and then out to the ram.. the kitchen was almost closed when we got there, but we still had a great time and everyone was a little sore (some were a lot sore) the next day.. 

Love those co workers baby!!

ok.. A trip to the ocean is in order...

This coming weekend, I am going to the ocean. I was going to go to Julies (sorry Jules) but my mom told me that I needed the sea. And I know she is right. I will have my kids and my camera with me and I am totally excited. I think the plan is to stay with my grandpa in oregon and then hang out at the beach collecting shells and running in the waves.. I am such a water baby... I know that my kids have never seen the ocean, so I am excited to share with them one of lifes most amazing things.. the ocean.

    I might have to buy a tiny tv for the car.... lol... who knows!!?? Here is a picture from when I went to UT to visit my sister.. she has 5 boys under the age of 8.. oh my!!

a light at the end of the tunnel.

So, Yes, Brody and I are really broken up... which honestly is fine... but doesnt hurt any less.  It was a mutual choice but I have been an emotional mess this past weekend and have really drivien him away, but I must say.. that was a bombshell to go from almost being married to... lets be friends.

 The logical side of me says.. just let it go.. he wasnt worth the time and effort that a relationship like that would have taken..  First off.. he doesnt have the same religious beliefs that I do have, second if someone isnt as insanely crazy about me as I am about them.. we have a problem.

But my heart is not convinced. It wants to jump out of my body and shake him and say.. seriously!! take me back!! I cant live without you!!! and it has been the dominant one this past weekend.. which is NOT a good thing.

Finally now that I have taken my heart, spanked it, and put it back into my chest.. my brain is taking control again.  I can see that everything will be alright. I can see that I am a person of value. I have hope for the future and I can see that the past is the past.  If he never talks to me again, then he never talks to me again. But I will be fine.  The sun will shine, and the skies will be blue... and I will be better for knowing him.

church day

The hardest thing I have to do on sunday is go to church alone. Its no biggie deal to get ready or fix my hair, but sitting by myself is such a hard thing. I have my kids with me on most weekends, but on the third and fifth weekends.. I am just me.  And today is the third weekend.  So, what does one do all alone on a bench where a family used to sit? I read, I text, I listen to the speaker, I cry.. a lot. Divorce is NOT a fun thing.  It is hard. it is lonely and it tears you apart at the very core... I am strong though. I have made it a year with no dark thoughts and no attempts at anything too wild and crazy.  I am becoming the person I need to be.  I have learned so much this year, and have struggled like I am sure all of you have at times. It makes you think about who you are, who you want to become and how to get there.  I will get there, just have to wade through the garbage first... and sit on a bench alone, but just for one hour...

today..

I got my hair done today.. Getting ready for the summer. Lightened it up a lot! but its really cute.. sorry that I couldnt get the picture the right way.. lol..

Finally got some closure from the relationship I have been in for the last 5 months. So, that is a good thing. Hurts like a mother though...  (not you mom.. someone elses mom)

And now with the warm sunshineish weather I am going out on a motorcycle ride with a good friend.. should be fun.

ok.. Its official!!

There are only 24 people invited to read this blog.. If you are one of them, then I really like you, so.. smile!! Lots of great posts are gonna be coming your way..

womens conference

Here is the page to womens conference at BYU this year... yay!!

byu.edu

happy independance day!!

Just happy to have some friends that read this.. I am going to make it a private affair this year however, there are too many people that are trying to make me unhappy by taking my words and trying to twist them into something lame... SO... Send me a little shout out if you want an invite to my blog.. you have a week to let me know.. then it will just be who I choose to keep close.. thanks for all the love and support.. just trying to lay low for a little while..

snow..

Today I was sleeping all warm and snuggly.. then I woke up, looked out the window and saw... snow... snow? really?? Its march!! Its not supposed to snow until next November... lol.. oh well..

Its my one year anniversary from my divorce today.. I am calling it survivors day. I have been through so much this past year, I feel like I am a totally different person. I am sure that as a core person I have stayed somewhat the same, but there are a lot of things that I have done this year, that normally I would have been too scared to do.. I am grateful for the way things have happened. There are still things I am fighting for and things I would LOVE to have leave me alone.. but as a person.. I am right side up..

No more facebook ..

So, today I deleted my facebook account. I am tired of it taking up so much of my time. I am tired of people being able to know my every thought and action.. I hate looking at the people that I used to love and knowing that they no longer love me.. I just had to let it go... let it go...

decisions...

Life throws a lot my way lately.. I think its great for my growth and development spiritually, but I am exhausted.. I just want life to slow down a little bit so I can take a breath..
When I look back at this year, I cant believe all that I have survived. I am still ok. I still have great, amazing days and I still can get up every morning and have a clean slate to work with that day. What I do with each day is up to me. Good or bad, I did it.. I am so excited for the next year of discovery. I am healthy and I am a valuable person. I wonder what I will change in this world this year..

Oh and PS... womens conference is coming up soon!!!

trying to make the best of a sticky mess...

Well, life sure has a way of turning and turning and turning... churning and churning.. burning and burning.. ha ha ha ha just had to keep the rhymes going...mowing...snowing. Okay, I will stop!!
I had a great trip to my sisters house a little while ago and took a whole bunch of pics, but I am at Brody's right now, so I cant download them, but believe me . I have some to post. (just for you mom)
This year, Disney land is giving away free tickets to their marvelous parks. When my kids and I found out about it, we yelled.. LETS DO IT!!!! so we are giving a day of service for a Disney day at Disneyland!! yay!!And you can too.. just visit disneyparks.com and click on the link..