a light at the end of the tunnel.

So, Yes, Brody and I are really broken up... which honestly is fine... but doesnt hurt any less.  It was a mutual choice but I have been an emotional mess this past weekend and have really drivien him away, but I must say.. that was a bombshell to go from almost being married to... lets be friends.

 The logical side of me says.. just let it go.. he wasnt worth the time and effort that a relationship like that would have taken..  First off.. he doesnt have the same religious beliefs that I do have, second if someone isnt as insanely crazy about me as I am about them.. we have a problem.

But my heart is not convinced. It wants to jump out of my body and shake him and say.. seriously!! take me back!! I cant live without you!!! and it has been the dominant one this past weekend.. which is NOT a good thing.

Finally now that I have taken my heart, spanked it, and put it back into my chest.. my brain is taking control again.  I can see that everything will be alright. I can see that I am a person of value. I have hope for the future and I can see that the past is the past.  If he never talks to me again, then he never talks to me again. But I will be fine.  The sun will shine, and the skies will be blue... and I will be better for knowing him.

church day

The hardest thing I have to do on sunday is go to church alone. Its no biggie deal to get ready or fix my hair, but sitting by myself is such a hard thing. I have my kids with me on most weekends, but on the third and fifth weekends.. I am just me.  And today is the third weekend.  So, what does one do all alone on a bench where a family used to sit? I read, I text, I listen to the speaker, I cry.. a lot. Divorce is NOT a fun thing.  It is hard. it is lonely and it tears you apart at the very core... I am strong though. I have made it a year with no dark thoughts and no attempts at anything too wild and crazy.  I am becoming the person I need to be.  I have learned so much this year, and have struggled like I am sure all of you have at times. It makes you think about who you are, who you want to become and how to get there.  I will get there, just have to wade through the garbage first... and sit on a bench alone, but just for one hour...

today..

I got my hair done today.. Getting ready for the summer. Lightened it up a lot! but its really cute.. sorry that I couldnt get the picture the right way.. lol..

Finally got some closure from the relationship I have been in for the last 5 months. So, that is a good thing. Hurts like a mother though...  (not you mom.. someone elses mom)

And now with the warm sunshineish weather I am going out on a motorcycle ride with a good friend.. should be fun.

ok.. Its official!!

There are only 24 people invited to read this blog.. If you are one of them, then I really like you, so.. smile!! Lots of great posts are gonna be coming your way..

womens conference

Here is the page to womens conference at BYU this year... yay!!

byu.edu

happy independance day!!

Just happy to have some friends that read this.. I am going to make it a private affair this year however, there are too many people that are trying to make me unhappy by taking my words and trying to twist them into something lame... SO... Send me a little shout out if you want an invite to my blog.. you have a week to let me know.. then it will just be who I choose to keep close.. thanks for all the love and support.. just trying to lay low for a little while..

snow..

Today I was sleeping all warm and snuggly.. then I woke up, looked out the window and saw... snow... snow? really?? Its march!! Its not supposed to snow until next November... lol.. oh well..

Its my one year anniversary from my divorce today.. I am calling it survivors day. I have been through so much this past year, I feel like I am a totally different person. I am sure that as a core person I have stayed somewhat the same, but there are a lot of things that I have done this year, that normally I would have been too scared to do.. I am grateful for the way things have happened. There are still things I am fighting for and things I would LOVE to have leave me alone.. but as a person.. I am right side up..